


Making Monsters for my Friends

by musiclily88



Series: Mental [2]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Crack, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Crack, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-06
Updated: 2013-07-06
Packaged: 2017-12-17 20:32:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,329
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/871677
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/musiclily88/pseuds/musiclily88
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The boys have another therapy session</p>
            </blockquote>





	Making Monsters for my Friends

**Author's Note:**

> Holy shit you guys, writing dialog for 6 people and making it clear who’s talking at any given time is fucking hard. My appy polly loggies if anything is unclear.  
> Kudos, comments, and criticism are greatly appreciated! xx
> 
> (The title and intro bit is from yet another Ramones song)

__  
Give me some skin  
Give me some gin  
Give me some wine  
I lost my mind  


**

 

“He has a tattoo addiction, I swear, it’s getting problematic!” Niall crowed as he huffed and collapsed into a hotel armchair.

“Elaborate on that, please, Niall,” Dr. Spencer said, biro poised above her small notebook.

“I dunno if it’s a pain thing or a being-in-the-closet thing or a kink thing, but it’s getting excessive,” Niall said, voice quieting slightly.

Both Harry and Zayn looked affronted at his outburst.

“I don’t ever—” Zayn hissed, eyes clouding over stormily.

“That’s harsh mate, I swear—” Harry drawled.

“Not you two, honestly, I mean Louis!”

“Hey!” Louis called belatedly.

“Honestly, mate. I had to bribe you out of getting the word ‘Louisville’ tattooed over your _heart_ last week,” Niall pointed out.

“That was a _joke,”_ Louis insisted, collapsing onto a chair across the room from Niall.

“It wasn’t a joke when I had to drag you away from the shop with you cursing at me!” Niall retorted.

“You’re Irish, you’re used to cursing,” Louis said, rolling his eyes.

_“You have a problem!”_

“No I do not.”

“Just like a year ago you said you’d never get even one tattoo, that it wasn’t your kind of thing,” Niall pointed out.

“People change.”

“No shit. You know what doesn’t? Permanent ink.” Niall crossed his arms.

“Gee thanks, Gran, I’ve been set straight now.” Louis rolled his eyes.

Dr. Spencer interrupted. “I’m sensing some concern that Louis might not be acting true to himself, is that right?”

“Yeah, like he’s gonna do something he regrets if he doesn’t stop for two seconds to think about it.”

“They’re tattoos, Ni, not a crippling drug problem,” Louis said, rolling his eyes.

“Speaking of which,” Liam said next, perking up from the seat beside Harry.

“For god’s sake, I’m not an alcoholic!” Niall retorted.

“Not you,” Liam replied quietly. “Zayn, I think you—”

“Really mate? Really? It’s come to _this?”_ Zayn snapped.

“You’re the one who does it!” Liam objected.

“This isn’t coming from some misguided attempt on your part to—” Zayn began, but Liam cut him off.

“No. If smoking starts to affect your voice, it impacts all of us!” Liam called.

“Ah, there it is. That’s the real concern you’ve got, is it?” Zayn asked sarcastically.

“That and Harry’s asthma” was Liam’s response.

“Oh don’t bring me back into this, I just got clear of it!” Harry bellowed, covering his face with his hands.

“He has an unhealthy obsession with bananas that someone really needs to address,” Niall said with a nod.

“Argh!” Harry yelled, voice muffled slightly by his hands.

“I swear some crazed fan is going to set up a banana stand to lure you away from us so she can kidnap you,” Niall said, voice cool and logical.

“You’re nuts,” Harry maintained.

“You have a problem! It’s out of control!” Niall drawled.

“There’s nothing going on between me and bananas!”

“No one in the world needs to hollow his cheeks when eating a banana. It’s obscene how much you like fellating fruit,” Niall said, finally cracking a smile.

“You utter twat,” Harry responded, giving Niall a dirty look.

“All right, everyone, that last bit got a little off-task,” Dr. Spencer added, thrusting her pen in the air for emphasis. “Let’s get back to the coping mechanisms we were talking about, yeah?”

“Niall uses booze,” Harry said.

“Haz uses sex,” Niall continued.

“Zayn smokes too much and refuses to eat,” Louis added.

“Liam exercises too much,” Zayn retorted.

“And Louis’ running out of bare skin that’s not his forehead,” Liam finished.

“Right, good. And what purpose do these serve for you?” Dr. Spencer asked, pen poised delicately above her notebook.

“Stress relief,” they all said without pause.

“And are all these methods effective?”

“More than not,” Liam supplied quietly. “I mean, at least exercise is good for you.”

“Well we can’t all fuck the pain away quite as effectively as I do,” Harry said, winking at Louis.

“That’s really naughty,” Liam replied in a sing-song voice.

“Jealous, jealous. Biceps is jealous,” Harry responded quickly.

“Biceps? Really? That’s all you think I am?” Liam huffed.

“Nah, you’ve got a brain in there somewhere, I reckon,” Zayn said.

“Thanks, lads, I really appreciate being called thick.”

“Zayn thinks everyone’s stupid,” Niall pointed out.

“Only because you never listen to my obviously superior advice. Plus I have a strong grasp of the English language and you all talk like monkeys,” Zayn retorted.

“Monkeys can’t talk,” Liam said, rolling his eyes.

“You are rather an idiot too, Zayn,” Louis supplied with a smile.

“I just. I don’t like being made to feel dumb,” Liam muttered. “I think that’s what’s bugging me about this thing with Zayn—I’ve been made to feel dumb. Like I didn’t catch on quick enough and now that I have it’s too late and you all just, like, pity me.”

“No,” Zayn said loudly, half shouting. “That’s not it at all.”

“It’s really not,” Louis agreed. “He tried miserably to hide it cuz he was worried about freaking you out and making you hate him.”

“Thanks, Lou, but I can explain it,” Zayn muttered.

“Then why haven’t you ever explained it before?” Liam asked, not unfairly.

“Because you look so upset at me all the time lately and I didn’t want to make it _worse.”_

“I’m not upset all the time,” Liam countered.

“No. Only when you’re alone with me, is that right?” Zayn said, voice nearly a whisper.

“I don’t like being pitied.”

“Good thing I couldn’t pity you if I tried,” Zayn replied. “Not that I would. Try, I mean.”

“We love you, mate,” Harry added. “It sucks that you’re hurting and we feel sore about it, but we don’t _pity_ you. If anything, we’re mad at Zayn for being an obtuse little shit.”

“Did you just call me an _obtuse little shit?”_

“You are, though,” Niall said. “Dead clever, but dumb as a post.”

“Okay, good,” Dr. Spencer interjected with a nod. “It’s good to be clearing the air like this.”

“Clearing the air? Sort of feels like we’re ganging up on me,” Zayn lamented.

“Expand on that?” Dr. Spencer asked.

“I didn’t _want_ to hurt his feelings. I did what I did to make sure his feelings didn’t get hurt.”

“But you didn’t even talk to me about it!”

“Because you’re str—” Zayn began but Liam cut him off.

“No I’m not straight. Which I pointed out when I had the decency to come talk with you.”

“Well we can’t all be perfect like you!”

“I’m not perfect. Obviously. If I was, you’d be with me,” Liam muttered, cringing at his own words.

“That’s not always how it works,” Harry cut in gently.

“That’s rich, coming from one half of the golden couple,” Liam snapped.

“May I point out that my boyfriend has a girlfriend?” Harry responded, tone turning waspish. “Not everything’s easy, even if you want it to be. Non-exclusivity isn’t always easy, even if you’re perfect or whatever, okay? And trying to browbeat someone into feeling the same way you do is just counterproductive to the entire cause.”

“Christ, Haz,” Louis said after a pause.

“I’m not trying to browbeat him into liking me again. I’m just…I’m upset,” Liam finished lamely.

“You’re allowed to be upset. I’d be worried if you weren’t. Actually I kind of expected you to not be upset, because you are rather annoyingly perfect,” Harry responded.

“That was a solid way of validating Liam’s emotions. Thank you, Harry,” Dr. Spencer said, writing something in her notebook. “This upset feeling. Can you explain it a bit more?”

“Just feeling pathetic, like they all pity me. Like I said I guess. And that’s not a nice feeling to sit with.”

“I don’t pity you. I’m mostly just kicking myself for being an idiot.” Zayn tipped his head back and closed his eyes.

“I didn’t want to make you feel like an idiot.”

“That’s the worst part, I think.”

“Sorry.”

“See, this is what I was worried about. About everyone freaking out and letting feelings and dick get in the way of things, like being friends and whatever,” Niall burst out.

“God forbid feelings happen between friends,” Louis said with a laugh. “Also if I recall correctly you and Harry recently had a screaming match over who had dibs on a bag of crisps.”

“They were mine, though!”

“There were four other bags on the table right next to you,” Louis responded.

“But I had dibs on _those ones.”_

“No way, mate, I did,” Harry countered.

“I have blanket dibs on all crisps, we made that rule last month.”

“Why are you being so argumentative lately? Seriously, what the hell?” Harry groaned.

‘I’m not.”

“Even that was contrary,” Zayn pointed out.

“Sometimes it just feels ridiculous being in a band full of married couples. We’re barely even adults, you guys. We’re professional idiots and you’re all love-soppy and insane and I’m just confused by how everyone thinks that’s normal.” Niall sighed. “Like in what world is it normal to feel you have to get your girlfriend’s face tattooed on you because you can only see her a couple weeks a year and you need to make some glorious statement of commitment? And those two have—” he gestured vaguely to Louis and Harry “—been practically fucking betrothed since day one, and it’s sickening and frustrating and annoyingly adorable. Like are we just going to pretend we’re adults who are going to settle down someday, while really we’re just forever acting like children? Is there a point where it feels normal? What the fuck am I even doing?” He scrubbed his hands along his face, falling quiet.

His rant was met with silence.

“Is—do you not want to be in the band anymore?” Harry whispered, horrified.

“Of course I want to be in the band, that’s not the point at all. But I just, like, even in the world’s weirdest situation I still feel like the odd man out. Like you have all managed to make something normal out of this stupid shit and I just…can’t.”

Niall took a breath and continued speaking. “Like there was never any doubt in my mind that the four of you would make it, that you were made for fame. I kind of think I’m just made to burn out early and pack it all up and go home, talking about these boys I used to know.” He clenched his jaw shut. “I’m just waiting for someone to tell me it’s no use pretending anymore.”

Even Dr. Spencer was stunned by his announcement. No one found words for two entire minutes.

“Holy shit.”

The boys minus Niall looked at one another, all unsure who had broken the silence. Louis then leapt onto Niall’s lap and nearly strangled him into a hug while. Zayn rushed toward them and peppered Niall’s face and hair with kisses. Harry shoved sideways into Louis’ and Niall’s hug, latching around Niall’s waist like a clingy starfish. Liam reached blindly for Niall’s hands and squeezed until Niall’s skin blanched, then tried to climb into Niall’s lap on top of Louis.

“You—” Zayn stuttered in between pecks “—absolute idiot.”

“I can’t believe this shit right now!” Harry yelled. “Is this the shit you tell yourself when I see you scowling backstage? This bullshit?”

Louis laughed and clutched harder around Niall’s neck, fighting off Liam’s scrabbling arms. “Stop it, Liam, there’s enough room for all of us.”

“No there isn’t, budge up, I want part of him too!” Liam demanded.

“You beautiful thick-headed idiot,” Zayn continued, planting a kiss on Niall’s cheekbone. “You’re dumber than the rest of them if you believe that’s in any way possible.”

“We need our token blonde bombshell,” Louis added, giving Liam space to perch on Niall’s knee. “Our guitar player from Mullingar.”

“I’m not even going to get mad at Zayn for calling us dumb right now, Niall, that’s how much I love you,” Liam said.

“Fellas, I can barely breathe,” Niall responded, voice high-pitched and airy.

“We’re showing you that we love you and we need you and we’re going to keep doing this until it kills us all,” Harry supplied, arms circling tighter around Niall’s waist.

“This is counterproductive!” Niall yelled, but he bubbled up in laughter almost immediately.

“Is this why you were yelling at me about fruit? Do you think I’m going to leave you for a bunch of bananas?” Harry asked, pinching Niall.

“No, not for bananas. Maybe for a solo career,” Niall amended.

“We can’t promise we won’t have solo projects, Ni, but we’re never going to _leave_ one another. Not leave one another for good. You’re going to have us forever,” Zayn said before kissing Niall’s ear.

“Yeah, plus, you’re my favorite,” Liam promised. “Look at how quickly you and I convinced the rest of the lads to wear tank tops. We’re invincible together, mate.” He shot Niall a small grin from his perch on one knee.

“You are literally never getting rid of us, you delusional arse,” Louis said.

“Mighty impressive word, mate,” Zayn drawled, rolling his eyes.

“Well, I have an important point to make, don’t I?” Louis retorted.

“You are very important to us, Niall,” Liam chanted, bouncing into Louis’ side and smiling stupidly.

“It’s you four and bananas. That’s the top of my Very Important Things list,” Harry called, pressing his cheek to Niall’s shoulder.

“So you’re saying that’s a banana in your pocket, then?” Louis asked archly.

“Oh? Actually, yeah, it is,” Harry answered, not remotely embarrassed.

“You have a problem, mate, I said it!” Niall responded triumphantly.

“Yes, I have a shortage of potassium. That’s my problem.”

“Right, guys. Um, I appreciate this and all, but I actually am having trouble breathing now. And my legs are numb,” Niall muttered.

“Stop calling us fat, Niall, there’s no need for personal remarks!” Louis yelled, standing up and knocking into Liam.

“Compliment his bum, Niall, quick,” Harry prompted, giving Niall’s waist one more squeeze before retreating slightly.

Zayn simply continued peppering Niall’s face with kisses while Liam stayed neatly planted on the latter’s lap. Niall did not complain. “It’s a lovely bum, Louis, really.”

Louis looked mollified. “Glad we’ve cleared the air of that, then. Even if you are an idiot.”

“You are my favorite,” Liam insisted. “You love me for more than just my biceps, for starters.”

“True, your abs are worth murdering for,” Harry pointed out.

“Right,” Dr. Spencer said slowly, drawing out the syllables. “Um, would anyone else like to say something to Niall?”

“Besides this mutual admiration society?” Louis piped up.

“Right. Besides that.”

“Oh. Then no.”

“Okay, then. If it’s all right, Niall, I have a couple of questions for you.”

“Sure.” Niall nodded.

“Whether or not your concerns have been assuaged, do you now feel like you can share them with the rest of the group?”

“I mean. Yeah. And it’s nice to hear them being so nice, even if it might be shite.”

“It’s not, though. We honestly couldn’t function with you, mate,” Liam insisted from where he was still perched on Niall’s lap.

“Right, like, that’s nice to hear, but I don’t always feel it, or whatever.” Niall shrugged.

“Okay. Is there something that can be done to make you feel more appreciated? Something that’s not mainly words?”

“Erm. Well.” Niall shifted in his seat, nearly dislodging both Zayn and Liam. “I’ve written a couple songs I wouldn’t mind them taking a look at—”

“What?” Louis squawked.

“I mean, we don’t have to perform them or whatever, but—”

‘What if we want to?” Harry asked sagely.

“Oh.” Niall swallowed, then sat in thought for a moment. “That’d be fine. If you wanted to.”

Louis expelled a breath harshly. “And here I thought _I_ was the one always down on myself.”

“You are,” Harry responded, kicking Louis gently in the knee.

“Which is ridiculous, really,” Zayn pointed out. “Since everyone and their mum is in love with you.”

“No way.” Louis shook his head vehemently.

“Well _my_ mum is anyway,” Zayn said with a smirk.

Before Louis could say anything, Liam chimed in. “Guys, we are rapidly losing focus here. I still do want to talk about our coping mechanisms.”

“Can you do it _not_ on my knee? You’re like twelve stone of solid muscle,” Niall requested.

“That’s kind of the point, no?” Zayn asked, moving into an armchair. “That he works out like a fiend?”

“What would you rather I do instead?” Liam asked, moving to sit on the floor at Niall’s feet.

“You could try sleeping around,” Harry suggested lightly.

“Why, are you offering?” Liam asked coyly.

“I’m honestly not sure,” Harry mused, blinking in Liam’s direction.

“I can also begin one-on-one therapy with any one of you at any time,” Dr. Spencer offered. “Before any of you decide to—how did you phrase it, Harry?—sublimate your sexual frustration.”

“But he wouldn’t be sublimating it, he’d be acting on it,” Harry pointed out.

“Don’t you have a boyfriend?” Zayn asked, voice harsh.

Harry shrugged. “He can watch.”

“Is this the kind of stuff you’re _supposed_ to say in therapy?” Niall looked incredulously at them all.

“You’d be surprised. But I’m not really here to breach confidentiality or discuss details of others’ therapy sessions.”

“So you’re _not_ going to tell them not to have sex?” Zayn’s eyes grew wide.

“Not really my job to dole out permission slips. We can certainly talk about the subject, though.”

“I find it weird, at least,” Niall said, head tipped to one side contemplatively.

“I’m against it,” Zayn stated firmly.

“It’s not really a democracy, though, even if we are in America right now,” Harry replied glibly.

“True, Harry, but this is a safe space for the five of you to discuss things of this nature. No one’s voting on anything, they’re just expressing their feelings.” Dr. Spencer looked up from her notebook and nodded at Harry.

“Okay.”

“I’d get to watch?” Louis asked.

“Probably,” Harry told him, shrugging.

“Then I’m fine with it.”

“This is the weirdest conversation we have _ever had.”_ Zayn looked decidedly displeased.

“I dunno,” Liam said reasonably. “What about that time we talked about building a robotic sex-doll of you for the paps to mob when you want to stay inside and get stoned?”

‘That was theoretical,” Zayn pointed out.

“Technically, so is this.” Harry smiled demurely at Zayn.

“So you’re not going to have sex?” Zayn asked, eyes narrowed.

“If we are, we’re not going to decide it like this,” Liam replied, giving Harry a significant look.

“If you’re worried about me saying something to anyone, I want to remind you that I’m ethically obligated to keep everything you say here confidential,” Dr. Spencer said.

“No, it just seems like a conversation that should probably held in private,” Liam amended.

“Does it?” Zayn stared hard at Liam.

“Yes,” Harry agreed.

“Okay. It’s almost time to wrap up for the hour,” Dr. Spencer said abruptly. “Does anyone have anything to add as we finish things up? Anything we need to process before ending for the day?”

“Um,” Zayn began. “I mean.”

“Probably not. For me at least,” Liam answered, standing up and stretching.

“I think I’m okay for the moment,” Harry supplied, standing to move next to Liam.

“Me too I reckon,” Louis added.

“Liam, wait,” Zayn said, standing abruptly, moving to grab Liam’s hand.

“Okay,” Liam replied slowly, turning sideways to glance at Zayn.

Dr. Spencer lingered in the room after Harry, Niall, and Louis vacated. 

“Do you two want me to stay?”

 _“No.”_ Zayn had the decency to look shamed at his outburst.

“All right. I’ll be down the corridor a bit if either of you need me.” Dr. Spencer left the room and shut the door behind herself softly.

“Don’t,” Zayn requested.

“Don’t what?”

“Just, you know. Don’t.”

“Yeah. Well. I love you too.”


End file.
